Do I expect the meeting with Allah? Does it show in my actions?
Until very recently, honestly, I wasn’t quite fully aware of what “the meeting with Allah” would be. The connection with Rabb wasn’t there so you see life was just as Allah describes in the Qur’an, heedless and wandering blindly. There was no specific goal of life other than family and kids. There was really no preparation of the akhira. There was really no thought of life after this life. Worship was at a very superficial level. Alhumdolillah for the taufeeq to truly understanding the Qur’an which has actually given me focus in life. It has given me an objective and clarified the purpose of my existence.
Now the purpose of life includes the meeting with Allah. There is the desire to stand before Allah and feel proud of life spent on this duniya, almost as if you’re standing before a boss hoping to be rewarded for all the good work and effort you have put in your completed projects.
Unfortunately or fortunately, I am somewhat of an extremist. For my deen and at this point in my life, it actually works for me, that I immediately want to adopt or at least am more aware of what I learn from the Qur’an alhumdolillah. I am so involved with it that my conversation, my life, my likes and dislikes have all changed drastically. For most of my friends, family and even my spouse, I may very well be a different person. My husband said to me: ‘You’ve started speaking a different language.’ Just today I asked my close friend to come in to our Qur’an class but start off as a listener and she said to me: ‘I don’t want to become what you have become just yet. I am not there yet.’ So I guess it shows in my actions, and I thank Allah for that because if it didn’t then I would be truly very worried that whatever I am learning, I am unable to put in my amal so what is the point in my learning!
But there is a great fear within me of reverting back to the old ways. My turning to Allah has to be a lifetime change and not just a fashion thing or a mood thing. There is also the fear that what if all of my actions are in vain? I am not able to 100% change myself and become the person Allah wants His slaves to be. Is this nifaq? I pray for istiqamat, persistence and excellence in deen inshallah so I can meet Allah proudly saying, ‘Yes I have done wrong in life, but I corrected my ways for You alone; I repented with tears in my eyes each day and with Your help and taufeeq, now here I stand before You with my ways mended and hoping to get Your Approval. So Allah! have Mercy on me for You are the Most Forgiving and Most Merciful.’